Every day we live is a battle won.

music: Turn the Page(dunno who originally did it)

<sub>Yeah, that was rather short-lived and confusing.
Come on, if someone doesn't give enough of a damn about me (♪♫or anybody e-ellssse...♪♫) to try to make things work despite a distance problem, then I guess it really wasn't meant to be anywyas. It still completely sucks, and it's completely and thoroughly embarrassing. I can't even work up the nerve to tell my family--at least, my mom or my brother, as they're the only ones who know about him--let alone my close friends. Annie's the only one who knows.

Anyway, it sounds kind of superficial and reboundy and shit, but I kind of like this girl...the only problem is, well, one, I have no idea if she's gay or bi or what, and two, I'm a virgin? And I highly doubt she is...I mean, and she's younger than me. It's rare to be respected in that situation, isn't it?

I dunno what to do, honestly. I never do.

Thanks for reading. Peace.






Mood: shot down</sub>

Posted at 12:58 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

I'm playing Pokemon a lot lately. It's kind of cool how nobody reads this journal, since I feel like...well, I can pretty much post whatever the hell I want about whoever the hell I want and no one will ever know. :] Yet I totally am not hiding it! It's out in the open if people would just take a moment...hehe, I love how people never do. ^_^

I'm not being sarcastic, either!

Anyway, since the last time you've read this TONS of things no one cares about but me have happened. (Now I'm being slightly sarcastic, I will confess.) I went to the CDC, first of all. I got to work in a level 2 Biohazard Lab, I was within 100 feet of Ebola or something wacky like that, I got to try on space suits, I met a dude who went to Africa to help with Ebola outbreaks... It was really the time of my life. I will admit that I got shot down really, really hard by this one girl I met there who I--at first--thought was going to be like, my bestfriend. Though my opinion is (very) subject to change, as for now I'll just deem her a bitch and move on with my life. The point is, I was talking about Marburg with a worker, and she--a student--decided to butt into our conversation and snap at me, "It's their job, they already know that stuff." I don't really want to say any more. I might exaggerate hugely since typing about it makes me mad.

Also I met this wonderful person who means a lot to me. Why should I tell you anything more about that? I hope I don't whore out and screw up too badly. I have also, on the dark side, been suffering from really severe impulses and anxiety and paranoia...but to lighten that blow to your interest in talking to me, perhaps it might help that I'm getting help for it. Tonight I got evaluated, and within the next week or two I'll be going to a psychiatrist and a counselor. Yeah, both. Don't ask me how that's going to work.

I'm really looking forward to this Friday, Pokemon and stuff, Annie and Andy will be meeting--they're two of the three people in this world who I give a damn about, and considering there are something like 8 billion people in the world...this event means a lot to me.

I really hope everything goes well.

On a seemingly harmless and irrelevant note, I have restarted my Pokemon game and I'm going pretty hardcore on the 'legitimate' thing. *laughs* I'm really not sure why I care, my best friends are just into it and I decided to join the bandwagon and get rid of my hacked Pokemon. Hacking Pokemon is kind of lame, you know. :B Then again, so is playing it at all, especially when one is 17 going on 18.

Peace!






Current Mood: frisky

Posted at 10:44 pm | Link | Leave a comment | 2 comments | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

<sub>I have to write them down right away or they disappear from
my
mind
:
:
:

shemmiecakes (11:47:49 AM): I had a dream that I was watching spongebob with my best friend and some other girl I don't even know. And then we were..yeah, watching it, and on the show there was this like...evil, rotting, chocolate whale. It was terrifying and gross and like way too disgusting for a kid's show, not sure why or how, but it was like decaying into itself or something xD

Then I went to get Pokemon cards. And they didn't have the pictures on them, only the words for the attacks and pokemon powers, and I was like 'aww man'.

Then we were walking ona rooftop and the girl I didn't know fell and this random little blond-bowl-cut kid caught her without even flinching.


STUPID, eh? XD and totally, ruthlessly stolen from a chat with my friend, Kyorus.
Still, it's a little something trippy for those who want to trip.






Current Mood: weird</sub>

Tags: dreams, funny

Posted at 11:52 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

music: Nirana: Turnaround (STILL, CAN'T STOP!!!)

Oh my god I really wish I was born ten years earlier than I was.
REALLY. Because if I could have seen this man perform...I would have had a reason to live.






Current Mood: who cares

Posted at 04:19 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

music: Nirvana: Turnaround

I AM SO FUCKING GRATEFUL.
I thought I had cancer all fucking day. Then I spoke with a doctor-friend about my problem, and I found out it's not!!! I'm so happy. I don't know what to do with my life now haha I kind of just today made a huge plan of whoring myself out if I died...I know, I'm quick to do things. Maybe I'm just confused. Whatever. I'm going to go out and have sex anyways, because it is fun. Have a nice night!!! And be glad I didn't decide to post about an hour ago, or I'd have scared you all! If anybody reads this and/or cares about whether I live or die, that is. :) Not liiikeleyyyyy.






Current Mood: relieved

Posted at 02:24 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

music: Hole: Turpentine

My icon is the shi-iit.
I'm looking for new RP's. And it's dumb. I should think of some plots or something already. :x
Short entry cause I don't know what to say without giving away my identity






Current Mood: oh-so bored

Posted at 04:53 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

music: Nirvana: Do Re Mi

I can't listen to music that does not imply suicide, drugs, illness, or death. It makes me sick to hear people happy, as of the past few days. I have been accepted into the CDC camp and I don't even give a shit about it because it was all for my college record and I can not go to college/art school/any type of shit. People are too picky and this education thing in the US is bullshit. You can't go to college if you are just anyone. You have to be special. How come these non-special assholes get in? I don't think they do. What if college is awesome? Maybe it is. I don't know if it's worth a shot and a billion dollars. Oh, I have a math final. Tried, failed. I was thinking, hmm, Josette doesn't know this, and she's smart, so maybe we will live through it...well Josette never even took trig at her old school and she's still 10x better than me. x_x I wanna be study buddies with her, but I am so below her in this subject it's like, not even right. I would be a drag-down. To her or anyone, honestly. To the pot smoker who wants to find the answer key, I would be a drag-down. I also kind of forgot how to work it when you finally do find someone who you think there may be a mutual attraction with. Yeah, what do you do about that? I kind of think you sit there and wait for something to happen. Yeah, right? No. That's wrong because it's...wrong. It's sick and wrong and I hate it, I hate the fact that everything I ever aspired for was not prepared for, just glanced at with glazed eyes from the distance.

anyway poem time

my hero is drunk and she's laughing with me
cause we both are full of HIV
and killing time, waiting for the bad stuff to kick in and hit
like a brick thrown by a good Christian neighbor back when it
was okay to do such things for the good of mankind
cause everyone's gotta be exiled sometime
and everyone's gotta be someone's refuge
(and/or refugee)
still I never felt so low
and everyone's gotta lie
and not everyone is someone so
let's just kill some honest time
till we honestly die

lol`ed at that and it has no scheme so don't try to pretend like it's all prolific and shit
cause it's not, it's gay

I felt like doing another thing

I can wish reallyreally hard to be like you
And paste your pictures on my wall
I can kinda smile sometimes but
It kinda looks like shit since I never had braces
You kinda never bought them for me so that's what happens
You kinda made an ugly child
You married a guy you thought was awful later on and kinda blamed the fact that the kid was awful on her
But if you hate the other one that raised her it's kinda hard to change
But in case you couldn't tell, I'm kinda unsure who to blame in this case
I could be like you and blame everything on doctors
And shit, maybe I should
But I've never seen a doctor in my life and you raised me to know who I'm blaming

i laughed again kinda but I'm getting tired now and feeling 'old'






Current Mood: thinking

Posted at 10:26 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

music: Nirvana: Lithium

To anyone who actually reads this, which I think is no one now, I am sorry for my absence. I have been doing really badly lately, to be honest, but Fridays always get me in my best spirits. There's a lot of scary things wrong with me, but at least I am really trying to get better. There's just been really random, inexplicable bouts of depression for me in the past month or so, and my math grades are dropping drastically. I feel like one of those really, really sad statistics on one of those charts that tries to get you to donate money to kids less fortunate than yourself. Only those kids are beautiful and have no money and they are still happy. There's a lot wrong here, kids, but it's nothing to flick a penny at, only a glare of shame. (And don't worry, I already have plenty anyway.) Please wish me luck in life, if I don't come back here again then wish me luck in the afterlife I guess. (Don't worry, I am happy there. There I won't be a virgin or a dork or autistic. There I will be what I am inside, whatever that may be, and boy I can't wait.) Skeleton and skin and bones, even the organs hold me captive, I don't know what my soul looks like.






Current Mood: a little scared

Posted at 07:08 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

So yeah, SAT's next weekend! Wish me luck! XD
I am addicted to Lolcats. ;;
And I hate trig formulas
I just got a zero on a test :x
I can haz ginkgo biloba?






Current Mood: lolz

Tags: funny

Posted at 05:18 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

See, if I had known this was what quinine did, I'd have injected myself with a hell of a lot more. ;) Yay for curing malaria with sweet rave parties.






Current Mood: hungry

Tags: funny

Posted at 07:31 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

music: Polkadot Cadaver: Brainwash

And everybody can hurt me, and everybody can heal me.
And nearly everyone does one or the other, or both at the same time.

Edit: And go figure, later on in the night I realize I don't really care about anyone. o.0






Current Mood: confused

Posted at 09:24 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

music: Red Hot Chili Peppers: Dani California

So at what point do you break? At what point do you finally give in and say it's not worth it to wait any longer after so many years thinking you were going to be able to be happy--whether or not that meant to settle for less than perfection?

THE 5 LARGEST CHALLENGES FOR WEBSTER.

1 Define autism.

2 Define pain.

3 Define desperate.

4 Define failure.

5 Define me.






Current Mood: the usual

Tags: messed up

Posted at 12:52 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

SHEM'S FETISHES!!! OMG. I should've done this a long time ago! :D If you don't know what this is about...it's best not to ask. ;3 It's not my fetishes, it's...my character's. lol. Again, you know about him if you're supposed to already.

( Read more... )






Current Mood: kinky

Tags: sexy

Posted at 12:08 am | Link | Leave a comment | 2 comments | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Wednesday: Improper reaction to sarcasm, lack of communication with friends

Yesterday: Breakdown over nothing in Lit class...and I pretty much blew up at some girl in my lunch class, accused her of ignoring me. I totally almost gave up on drawing and writing altogether for a very tiny and insignificant reason, as well.

Today: Unable to respond to sarcasm even though I recognized it, and immediate need to escape when being stared/laughed at by a large group of people. Particular problem with eye contact today, as well. I kind of just stared, and didn't realize it for several minutes...eek. Yeah, my teacher noticed and said something and I just about babbled nonsense until I died.






Current Mood: losing hope

Posted at 10:43 pm | Link | Leave a comment | 3 comments | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Well this was basically the worst day of my life.

1. I can't be in on-level classes anymore. They are literally driving me to the brink of suicide.
2. I can't RP anymore, my character is what they call a 'Mary Sue.' (In other words, the absolute worst thing ever.)
3. I can't have friends because I treat them like shit.






Current Mood: absolutely fucked over.

Tags: messed up

Posted at 09:28 pm | Link | Leave a comment | 2 comments | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Uh so I'm bored, and kind of just sitting around without anything to do, so I'm going to make something up. It's called a dictionary, k? This is all a joke, by the way. xD Don't be a smartass unless you know 100% what I am talking about, and I guarantee you, you do NOT.


C·O·E
(see-oh-ee)
noun A group of hemorrhagic fever survivors in Africa who belong to a certain cult of the blended cultures of Africa and the 90's American grunge movement.
adjective Of or affiliated with this cult.
n. I am a proud member of the COE.
adj. That is so COE, oh my god!

e·bo·la·rif·ic
(e-bowl-uh-riff-ick)
adjective A word used to describe someone or something that is very 'COE' (See 'COE'), usually used as a very strong compliment.
Your drawings of Shem Musoke are freaking ebolarific. He's a fuckin' survivor.

foe·tor
(???????)
noun A random 'dead Latin' word that an insane author named Richard Preston made up. It supposedly means 'the smell of a person with smallpox.' I smell BS.
I am a gay author, and I enjoy the foetor of smallpox. I want to bring it back just for the delicious foetor. Foetor, foetor, foetor.

luve
(loov)
noun A mix of love and lust in any variation.
Shem and Emi luve each other. Which means a love and lust mixed.

neef
(neef)
noun The word written when two people are creating a literary work making fun of 'yaoi' (PORN) and decide to put in sex-noises.
verb To make such a (disturbing) sound.
n. DAVID: LOL ILU, SHEM NEEF NEEEEF

tel·e·phon·ic stim·u·la·tion
(tel-ay-fohn-ick stim-you-lay-shun)
verb A pretty word for 'phone sex' invented by myself while talking to Samy.
I'd hate to ask this, but do you think Emma would be the type to engage in telephonic stimulation?

yao·i
(yow-ee)
noun Any type of glorified gay man-on-man porno cartoons.
PORN






Current Mood: creative

Tags: dictionary, funny, richard preston

Posted at 06:13 pm | Link | Leave a comment | 2 comments | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

You may or may not have even noticed that I totally ransacked my journal today, deleted absolutely every entry and everything, but I am not, in fact, quitting. I just felt the need for a new start. And I am no longer making this 'friends only', know why? Because I don't care anymore. I highly doubt that anyone I hate on (since it's so few people) will ever find this journal, and even if they do, well, ooookay. What's the big deal. So they find out the truth. _._ Anyway. My journal's now an open book so any of you comment-shy journal browsers out there can go ahead and start reading about my silly and uninteresting life. ^-^ Welcome to the new me.






Current Mood: refreshed

Posted at 02:24 pm | Link | Leave a comment | 2 comments | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend