Every day we live is a battle won.

shemmie @ 2008-08-18T12:58:00

2008-08-18T17:27:06Z

_{Yeah, that was rather short-lived and confusing.
Come on, if someone doesn't give enough of a damn about me (♪♫or anybody e-ellssse...♪♫) to try to make things work despite a distance problem, then I guess it really wasn't meant to be anywyas. It still completely sucks, and it's completely and thoroughly embarrassing. I can't even work up the nerve to tell my family--at least, my mom or my brother, as they're the only ones who know about him--let alone my close friends. Annie's the only one who knows.

Anyway, it sounds kind of superficial and reboundy and shit, but I kind of like this girl...the only problem is, well, one, I have no idea if she's gay or bi or what, and two, I'm a virgin? And I highly doubt she is...I mean, and she's younger than me. It's rare to be respected in that situation, isn't it?

I dunno what to do, honestly. I never do.

Thanks for reading. Peace.

Mood: shot down}

shemmie @ 2008-08-12T22:44:00

2008-08-13T03:01:15Z

I'm playing Pokemon a lot lately. It's kind of cool how nobody reads this journal, since I feel like...well, I can pretty much post whatever the hell I want about whoever the hell I want and no one will ever know. :] Yet I totally am not hiding it! It's out in the open if people would just take a moment...hehe, I love how people never do. ^_^

I'm not being sarcastic, either!

Anyway, since the last time you've read this TONS of things no one cares about but me have happened. (Now I'm being slightly sarcastic, I will confess.) I went to the CDC, first of all. I got to work in a level 2 Biohazard Lab, I was within 100 feet of Ebola or something wacky like that, I got to try on space suits, I met a dude who went to Africa to help with Ebola outbreaks... It was really the time of my life. I will admit that I got shot down really, really hard by this one girl I met there who I--at first--thought was going to be like, my bestfriend. Though my opinion is (very) subject to change, as for now I'll just deem her a bitch and move on with my life. The point is, I was talking about Marburg with a worker, and she--a student--decided to butt into our conversation and snap at me, "It's their job, they already know that stuff." I don't really want to say any more. I might exaggerate hugely since typing about it makes me mad.

Also I met this wonderful person who means a lot to me. Why should I tell you anything more about that? I hope I don't whore out and screw up too badly. I have also, on the dark side, been suffering from really severe impulses and anxiety and paranoia...but to lighten that blow to your interest in talking to me, perhaps it might help that I'm getting help for it. Tonight I got evaluated, and within the next week or two I'll be going to a psychiatrist and a counselor. Yeah, both. Don't ask me how that's going to work.

I'm really looking forward to this Friday, Pokemon and stuff, Annie and Andy will be meeting--they're two of the three people in this world who I give a damn about, and considering there are something like 8 billion people in the world...this event means a lot to me.

I really hope everything goes well.

On a seemingly harmless and irrelevant note, I have restarted my Pokemon game and I'm going pretty hardcore on the 'legitimate' thing. *laughs* I'm really not sure why I care, my best friends are just into it and I decided to join the bandwagon and get rid of my hacked Pokemon. Hacking Pokemon is kind of lame, you know. :B Then again, so is playing it at all, especially when one is 17 going on 18.

Peace!

Current Mood: frisky

A weird dream, a rare memory

2008-06-11T15:58:15Z

_{I have to write them down right away or they disappear from
my
mind
:
:
:

shemmiecakes (11:47:49 AM): I had a dream that I was watching spongebob with my best friend and some other girl I don't even know. And then we were..yeah, watching it, and on the show there was this like...evil, rotting, chocolate whale. It was terrifying and gross and like way too disgusting for a kid's show, not sure why or how, but it was like decaying into itself or something xD

Then I went to get Pokemon cards. And they didn't have the pictures on them, only the words for the attacks and pokemon powers, and I was like 'aww man'.

Then we were walking ona rooftop and the girl I didn't know fell and this random little blond-bowl-cut kid caught her without even flinching.

STUPID, eh? XD and totally, ruthlessly stolen from a chat with my friend, Kyorus.
Still, it's a little something trippy for those who want to trip.

Current Mood: weird}

ow.

2008-06-04T08:21:37Z

Oh my god I really wish I was born ten years earlier than I was.
REALLY. Because if I could have seen this man perform...I would have had a reason to live.

Current Mood: who cares

shemmie @ 2008-05-30T02:24:00

2008-05-30T06:27:26Z

I AM SO FUCKING GRATEFUL.
I thought I had cancer all fucking day. Then I spoke with a doctor-friend about my problem, and I found out it's not!!! I'm so happy. I don't know what to do with my life now haha I kind of just today made a huge plan of whoring myself out if I died...I know, I'm quick to do things. Maybe I'm just confused. Whatever. I'm going to go out and have sex anyways, because it is fun. Have a nice night!!! And be glad I didn't decide to post about an hour ago, or I'd have scared you all! If anybody reads this and/or cares about whether I live or die, that is. :) Not liiikeleyyyyy.

Current Mood: relieved

Euii

2008-05-18T20:56:46Z

My icon is the shi-iit.
I'm looking for new RP's. And it's dumb. I should think of some plots or something already. :x
Short entry cause I don't know what to say without giving away my identity

Current Mood: oh-so bored

On giving up

2008-05-15T02:58:45Z

I can't listen to music that does not imply suicide, drugs, illness, or death. It makes me sick to hear people happy, as of the past few days. I have been accepted into the CDC camp and I don't even give a shit about it because it was all for my college record and I can not go to college/art school/any type of shit. People are too picky and this education thing in the US is bullshit. You can't go to college if you are just anyone. You have to be special. How come these non-special assholes get in? I don't think they do. What if college is awesome? Maybe it is. I don't know if it's worth a shot and a billion dollars. Oh, I have a math final. Tried, failed. I was thinking, hmm, Josette doesn't know this, and she's smart, so maybe we will live through it...well Josette never even took trig at her old school and she's still 10x better than me. x_x I wanna be study buddies with her, but I am so below her in this subject it's like, not even right. I would be a drag-down. To her or anyone, honestly. To the pot smoker who wants to find the answer key, I would be a drag-down. I also kind of forgot how to work it when you finally do find someone who you think there may be a mutual attraction with. Yeah, what do you do about that? I kind of think you sit there and wait for something to happen. Yeah, right? No. That's wrong because it's...wrong. It's sick and wrong and I hate it, I hate the fact that everything I ever aspired for was not prepared for, just glanced at with glazed eyes from the distance.

anyway poem time

my hero is drunk and she's laughing with me
cause we both are full of HIV
and killing time, waiting for the bad stuff to kick in and hit
like a brick thrown by a good Christian neighbor back when it
was okay to do such things for the good of mankind
cause everyone's gotta be exiled sometime
and everyone's gotta be someone's refuge
(and/or refugee)
still I never felt so low
and everyone's gotta lie
and not everyone is someone so
let's just kill some honest time
till we honestly die

lol`ed at that and it has no scheme so don't try to pretend like it's all prolific and shit
cause it's not, it's gay

I felt like doing another thing

I can wish reallyreally hard to be like you
And paste your pictures on my wall
I can kinda smile sometimes but
It kinda looks like shit since I never had braces
You kinda never bought them for me so that's what happens
You kinda made an ugly child
You married a guy you thought was awful later on and kinda blamed the fact that the kid was awful on her
But if you hate the other one that raised her it's kinda hard to change
But in case you couldn't tell, I'm kinda unsure who to blame in this case
I could be like you and blame everything on doctors
And shit, maybe I should
But I've never seen a doctor in my life and you raised me to know who I'm blaming

i laughed again kinda but I'm getting tired now and feeling 'old'

Current Mood: thinking

Sorry for my absence.

2008-05-08T23:13:46Z

To anyone who actually reads this, which I think is no one now, I am sorry for my absence. I have been doing really badly lately, to be honest, but Fridays always get me in my best spirits. There's a lot of scary things wrong with me, but at least I am really trying to get better. There's just been really random, inexplicable bouts of depression for me in the past month or so, and my math grades are dropping drastically. I feel like one of those really, really sad statistics on one of those charts that tries to get you to donate money to kids less fortunate than yourself. Only those kids are beautiful and have no money and they are still happy. There's a lot wrong here, kids, but it's nothing to flick a penny at, only a glare of shame. (And don't worry, I already have plenty anyway.) Please wish me luck in life, if I don't come back here again then wish me luck in the afterlife I guess. (Don't worry, I am happy there. There I won't be a virgin or a dork or autistic. There I will be what I am inside, whatever that may be, and boy I can't wait.) Skeleton and skin and bones, even the organs hold me captive, I don't know what my soul looks like.

Current Mood: a little scared

SAT in a Week

2008-04-26T21:34:15Z

So yeah, SAT's next weekend! Wish me luck! XD
I am addicted to Lolcats. ;;
And I hate trig formulas
I just got a zero on a test :x
I can haz ginkgo biloba?

Current Mood: lolz

Tonic Water with Quinine.

2008-04-23T11:36:26Z

See, if I had known this was what quinine did, I'd have injected myself with a hell of a lot more. ;) Yay for curing malaria with sweet rave parties.

Current Mood: hungry

I'm in love with everybody.

2008-04-19T01:27:00Z

And everybody can hurt me, and everybody can heal me.
And nearly everyone does one or the other, or both at the same time.

Edit: And go figure, later on in the night I realize I don't really care about anyone. o.0

Current Mood: confused

shemmie @ 2008-04-12T00:52:00

2008-04-12T05:05:55Z

So at what point do you break? At what point do you finally give in and say it's not worth it to wait any longer after so many years thinking you were going to be able to be happy--whether or not that meant to settle for less than perfection?

THE 5 LARGEST CHALLENGES FOR WEBSTER.

1 Define autism.

2 Define pain.

3 Define desperate.

4 Define failure.

5 Define me.

Current Mood: the usual

shemmie @ 2008-03-24T00:08:00

2008-03-24T05:01:17Z

SHEM'S FETISHES!!! OMG. I should've done this a long time ago! :D If you don't know what this is about...it's best not to ask. ;3 It's not my fetishes, it's...my character's. lol. Again, you know about him if you're supposed to already.

Animalistic behaviors and characteristics, dominant (snarling; sniffing; scent-marking or biting; other claiming acts; territoriality; predatory stalking; cuffing; forcing the partner's neck down; claws and other features)
Animalistic behaviors and characteristics, submissive (feral characters or behavior; domesticated pet behavior such as sitting at owner's foot and cheeking their thigh; purring; licking; characters objectified as aunimals, e.g., ponyboys)
{ So, he can be dom and sub. ♥ More to love? }
Angst (see Emotional themes)
{ Not sure how much this applies, but if he's angsty he'll be really sweet and loving in bed :D Cheers him the hell up 90% of the time. }
Bar and club scenes (dancing, cruising, etc)
Baths and water (tubs or jacuzzis; hot springs; bath houses or steam rooms; the ocean; swimming pools; see also Washing; Shower sex)
{ Stick Shem in a jacuzzi and you have no idea how messy the results will be. Rawr. ;3 }
Biting (marking, nipping, chewing)
{ He rarely does it too hard though. *pets the gentle lover* ;w; }
Blow-jobs (oral sex, fellatio)
{ You'll see plenty relating to this here. Heh. }
Breath (as a caress; hitching or ragged; indrawn breath or gasps; sighs)
Claiming or establishing ownership (private or public; by gesture, word, or ritual; with sex; with a collar and leash; with scent-marking or by biting)
{ LOL, kind of. Only in the form of hickeys. }
Coming without being touched
{ He could have SHITLOADS of fun with that. xD I mean lots. }
Cuddling (see Touch)
Deep-throating
{ Duhh, but only if the girl does it, cause he'd never like...push her head or nuffin. }
Ejaculate, come (heavy loads; pre-ejaculate slickness; messy orgasms)
{ He likes the messy....>.> He kinda likes to lick it up...ewwwe? }
Endearments (see Names)
Fantasies (shared or solitary; role-playing)
{ He has fun with his brain, ya. }
Finger-fucking (as preparation, foreplay, accompaniment, or main act)
{ Not sure if this is a 'duuuh?' or not... }
Food (feeding one's partner; romantic dinners; food as foreplay or flirting; food used during sex, such as whipped cream or chocolate)
Foreplay
Friction or frottage (naked or clothed; masturbatory or with partner; cocks rubbing together; tribadism; intercrural sex; someone rubbing off on sheets while giving head or being fucked; itchiness and scratching; chafing clothes; friction while on horseback or riding a motorcycle; accidental contact)
Gentleness (tenderness; kindness; concern; gentle natures; characters who display sensitivity to fearful children, animals, the weak, etc; gentle responses at unexpected moments)
Hot spots (a special spot that make someone crazy when stimulated, such as the vampire spot on the neck, the backs of the knees, the inner arms, navel, or earlobes)
{ I dunno, he has a few of those specifically, like his NECK HURHUR (lol, scarf, Emma, Samy?!?!?)
Intoxication and altered states (aphrodisiacs; drugs or alcohol; sex pollen/spores; substances or devices that create arousal, affection, or dependency; speaking or showing the truth while intoxicated; visionary states)
{ Light stuff, pretty much, and not usually used for that on purpose...horny=his reaction to most highs when around someone he lurvs xD }
Kissing, necking
Massage
Masturbation (solitary or as performance)
Multiple orgasms (See also Sexual appetite or excess)
Neck fetishization (nape of the neck, throat, hickeys, etc)
Noise (screaming or yelling during sex; whimpering or sobbing; purring, growling; slurping or moaning enthusiastically during blow-jobs)
Oral fixation or fetishization (lips, tongue, or whole mouth; french-kissing; licking; oral displays using food or beer bottles; smoking cigarettes, cigars, or pipes; biting or chewing one's lip(s))
{ pretty much the best for him. xD }
Romance (see Love and passion; Courting; Seduction)
Sex with clothes still on or partly on
Sexual discovery (of one's orientation; of new kinds of pleasure; of one's partner)
Sexual movements (back arching; hips lifting; thrusting back; writhing, jerking, bucking; clenching; grinding or rocking; trembling or shivering; hooking legs around shoulders; pressing someone's legs back toward the bed; riding someone's fingers)
Shower sex
Sixty-nine (69)
Slow and/or prolonged sex
Swallowing (come)
Talking and communication issues (dirty talk or verbal seduction; sweet talking; reciting poetry; talking someone to orgasm; talking during sex; pillow talk; phone sex; speech becoming broken as one is aroused or upset; being inarticulate or articulate; aphasia; talking fast; miscommunication and misunderstandings in general; lack of a shared language; see also Silence; Clams; Voice fetishization)
Taste as an erotic element
Touching (stroking and caressing; cuddling or nuzzling; huddling for warmth; hugging; holding hands in public; touching as UST; brief brushes of contact either deliberate or accidental; PDAs; thighs brushing under a table; comic physical entanglements; someone gripping a wounded character's hand)
Toys and devices (sex toys of all kinds; feathers, ice cubes, hot wax, etc)
{ He dun know it yet. xD }
Washing (washing one's partner, body or hair; bubble baths; shower scenes; slave service in bath; cleaning/cleansing someone who's been raped, degraded, or who is injured)

And now for things that he will do that will turn on charas with THESE fetishes. xD I'm a dork, 100% born and raised.

Attention (singling someone out; treating someone specially in front of others; making a point of showing respect to or interest in someone who doesn't usually receive it; observing, studying, or analyzing someone to understand them)
Begging or offering (begging or pleading for mercy, for sexual release, to be taken; a character offering himself; neediness)
Bisexuality
Childlike characteristics (innocence and simplicity; trustingness; truth-speaking, playfulness; boyishness and mischievousness; wounded child characters; orphans
{ Somewhat...more like puppy-like in my opinion. }
Clumsiness (awkwardness; overeagerness; during sex or in general)
Crying, sobbing (erotic and non-erotic)
{ HE GETS EMOTIONAL. }
Death (fatal illnesses; heroic death; character death in general; survivor guilt and grief; ghosts and haunting; vampires; Thanatos as the personification of death; Thanatos as the death wish; death orgasms; gothic aesthetics; immortality or aging as it relates to death; reincarnation)
{ LOL MARBURG FTW. }
Depilation (waxing, shaving)
{ LOL HE GOT NO BODY HAIR. }
Disorders (phobias; neuroses; obsessive-compulsive disorder; see also Insanity; Emotional themes)
{ HE IS A CASE. }
Endearments (see Names)
{ I felt the need to put this on both. XD }
Femmes (effeminacy)
{ Not excessively. He's just scrawny and small. (not down there tho, hur hur) }
Gentleness (tenderness; kindness; concern; gentle natures; characters who display sensitivity to fearful children, animals, the weak, etc; gentle responses at unexpected moments)
{ Again, way true, so on both lists. }
Hurt/comfort (emotional and/or physical, including torture of all kinds and degrees, and any form of caretaking)
Impotence
Intelligence (quick wit; street smarts; Machiavellian cleverness; Sherlock Holmesian deductive powers; geniuses; experts; criminal masterminds; see also Special powers and skills; Geeks and nebbishes)
{ He doesn't seem smart but he is. }
Physical responses (face or ears burning; little hairs lifting on the scalp or neck; gut tightening; pulse quickening or missing a beat; lashes fluttering or lids growing heavy; mouth coming open; dick or pussy throbbing)
{ He just has lots of these cause he's always into it ;3 }
Romance (see Love and passion; Courting; Seduction)
{ nother repeat }
Scars or scarification
{ He has a few. No scarification, sadly. >; that'd be hot. }
Sexual appetite or excess (hypersexuality, i.e., high sex drive; sex addiction or compulsive behavior; short/no refractory period; multiple orgasms; multiple partners; indiscriminate sex or sluttishness)
{ He can get a bit carried away. ;) }
Worry (one character worrying anxiously about another; going crazy with worry)

Current Mood: kinky

shemmie @ 2008-03-21T22:43:00

2008-03-22T02:58:25Z

Wednesday: Improper reaction to sarcasm, lack of communication with friends

Yesterday: Breakdown over nothing in Lit class...and I pretty much blew up at some girl in my lunch class, accused her of ignoring me. I totally almost gave up on drawing and writing altogether for a very tiny and insignificant reason, as well.

Today: Unable to respond to sarcasm even though I recognized it, and immediate need to escape when being stared/laughed at by a large group of people. Particular problem with eye contact today, as well. I kind of just stared, and didn't realize it for several minutes...eek. Yeah, my teacher noticed and said something and I just about babbled nonsense until I died.

Current Mood: losing hope

shemmie @ 2008-03-20T21:28:00

2008-03-21T01:35:11Z

Well this was basically the worst day of my life.

1. I can't be in on-level classes anymore. They are literally driving me to the brink of suicide.
2. I can't RP anymore, my character is what they call a 'Mary Sue.' (In other words, the absolute worst thing ever.)
3. I can't have friends because I treat them like shit.

Current Mood: absolutely fucked over.

Dictionary of Rya {1}

2008-03-17T22:33:07Z

Uh so I'm bored, and kind of just sitting around without anything to do, so I'm going to make something up. It's called a dictionary, k? This is all a joke, by the way. xD Don't be a smartass unless you know 100% what I am talking about, and I guarantee you, you do NOT.

C·O·E
(see-oh-ee)
noun A group of hemorrhagic fever survivors in Africa who belong to a certain cult of the blended cultures of Africa and the 90's American grunge movement.
adjective Of or affiliated with this cult.
n. I am a proud member of the COE.
adj. That is so COE, oh my god!

e·bo·la·rif·ic
(e-bowl-uh-riff-ick)
adjective A word used to describe someone or something that is very 'COE' (See 'COE'), usually used as a very strong compliment.
Your drawings of Shem Musoke are freaking ebolarific. He's a fuckin' survivor.

foe·tor
(???????)
noun A random 'dead Latin' word that an insane author named Richard Preston made up. It supposedly means 'the smell of a person with smallpox.' I smell BS.
I am a gay author, and I enjoy the foetor of smallpox. I want to bring it back just for the delicious foetor. Foetor, foetor, foetor.

luve
(loov)
noun A mix of love and lust in any variation.
Shem and Emi luve each other. Which means a love and lust mixed.

neef
(neef)
noun The word written when two people are creating a literary work making fun of 'yaoi' (PORN) and decide to put in sex-noises.
verb To make such a (disturbing) sound.
n. DAVID: LOL ILU, SHEM NEEF NEEEEF

tel·e·phon·ic stim·u·la·tion
(tel-ay-fohn-ick stim-you-lay-shun)
verb A pretty word for 'phone sex' invented by myself while talking to Samy.
I'd hate to ask this, but do you think Emma would be the type to engage in telephonic stimulation?

yao·i
(yow-ee)
noun Any type of glorified gay man-on-man porno cartoons.
PORN

Current Mood: creative

the new beginning

2008-03-17T18:28:18Z

You may or may not have even noticed that I totally ransacked my journal today, deleted absolutely every entry and everything, but I am not, in fact, quitting. I just felt the need for a new start. And I am no longer making this 'friends only', know why? Because I don't care anymore. I highly doubt that anyone I hate on (since it's so few people) will ever find this journal, and even if they do, well, ooookay. What's the big deal. So they find out the truth. _._ Anyway. My journal's now an open book so any of you comment-shy journal browsers out there can go ahead and start reading about my silly and uninteresting life. ^-^ Welcome to the new me.

Current Mood: refreshed